Why I am Never Proud of My Children

You hear it all the time, I hear it all the time, my kids hear it ALL the time. . .
                                                                  "I'm so proud of you."

At least a million post a year on Face Book must have the words "I am so proud of (fill in the blank with a relation, friend, country, Olympian, actor, musician, non-profit, whatever)." You drive down the street and about every third car has a" proud parent" of someone sticker on their tailgate. Graduation, birthday, holiday cards, you name it and you can find Hallmark helping some person declare they are proud of another.

I have no numbers to back this, but I am guessing there are substantially fewer that say "I am so proud of myself."

But you can rest easy that you won't hear it from me. . . I am not proud of my children, I am not proud of my husband, and I am not proud of you. I am sometime proud of myself. Sometimes I am brimming-over-shimmering-with-inner-light proud of myself and sometimes I am just thank-goodness-I-didn't-tell-anyone-off proud, but either way I reserve being proud for myself and myself alone.

Some people in my world know this about me, some may not. . . some support it, some think it is quirky, some may even think it cruel (although I only know that to be a maybe, as they glare me across the room as they pour praise all over their own children).

Regardless, of what others think about it, it is what I do. I also don't say "good job," "way to go," or anything else along those lines.

So, the next question is always "Why?" Some people follow with a thought about how parents have a duty to build up their children's confidence, other people say that I am arguing semantics, still others joke about if only I had better children.

Yet, the real reason why is because I don't think it's my place to feel satisfaction or pleasure about anyone else's achievements or qualities. I don't know the whole story, unless it is mine.  Perhaps the test you are so proud of your child for doing well on was the one where they guessed; perhaps the sporting event where you didn't say anything was the one that they worked the hardest at yet couldn't make a goal happen; perhaps there is more going on behind the scenes than we could ever fully comprehend.  What if say you are proud of something and if you knew the whole story you wouldn't feel that way?

Are you thinking about my kids, about those poor Miller children who are never told good job and never told their mom is proud of them? I wouldn't worry too much about them.  They are proud of themselves! They are confident, they can self evaluate, and most importantly they don't need or look to anyone else to build them up.

I have dedicated a great deal of time to just that; helping my children be people who know their own value in this world. After every class, activity, event they are asked what they did that they were proud of and what they want to improve on.  I try to point out observations without placing judgement, "you seemed really focused on your project,"  "your time for that lap was," "you made more baskets today" then I wait and see what they want to say.  I will always give them my opinion when asked, I will shower them in love, and I will always be here to help them; but I will never diminish their accomplishments by being proud of them.